Sunday, December 09, 2007

Safe

I've always taken safety for granted. As a child, I remember when two convenience store clerks in GC were murdered in the middle of the night, and how absolutely horrified I was that anyone would do such a thing. But, in general, I've gone about my life, my day-to-day activities, and felt fairly safe.

That is changing. I think, for all of us, that changed a bit with September 11th. We realized that we could just leave the house, go to work, and that could potentially be it. I know that none of us knows the day or hour we will die, that we could leave for work tomorrow and get hit by a bus. I'm not scared of being dead, but the process of dying is another story.

There were two shootings today in this area. One at a YWAM campus in Arvada and another at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Combine that with the shootings in Omaha this past week, and I find myself afraid. Afraid to be at work after dark. Afraid for Joe to go to work. Afraid for my family and friends all over the place, who are simply completing daily tasks like shopping and going to church. That's all these people were doing, and for some of them, it was the last thing they did.

I don't want to be afraid. I don't want fear to rule. I keep thinking, "There is no fear in love...and perfect love drives out fear." I want to be so overtaken by God's love that I'm not afraid. I don't want fear to win. So, I've taken Joe to work, and worked tonight until after dark. I've enjoyed my day. But it has been a fight against the fear all the way.

The other thing I keep thinking about is that it is all so evil. And I fear the evil in it, all around us. Even though I know that Jesus defeated all that is evil and Satan himself, I still find myself afraid. My faith is weak in this area. That isn't a new revelation, but it's a renewed one.

I'd love to hear thoughts about this. How do we keep living without thinking about the "what-ifs?"

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Memories, Like a Towel in My Mind...

I have a hard time getting rid of stuff. Living in a one bedroom apartment, trying to combine my stuff, Joe's stuff, and all of our new stuff is proving to be a challenge. I was naive enough to think that in the few days after we got back from our honeymoon, I'd whip it right into shape and be done.

That was a month ago, and there are still boxes everywhere. I did get the Christmas stuff put away in a timely manner. Now it's time to get it out. But I don't have anywhere to put it.

This is not really my point. My point is that it is hard for me to get rid of things because I associate so many "things" with different times in my life that I don't want to lose. I've thought about this before, but the idea came to me again tonight because I opened a box and saw a towel. It's an average towel. Below average, if you want to know the truth. It's edges are frayed, it's pretty small, (I'm not sure if this is because it has shrunk, which seems unlikely, or because in the 70's/early 80's when it was purchased, people were smaller and didn't need as much fabric to cover them,) and, as the 70's/early 80's reference implies, it is old. As old as me, probably. And while 30 may be young for a person, it does not seem young for a towel. So, to the average person, this towel is likely a below average looking towel, more suitable for the rag bin than Goodwill.

When I look at the towel, however, I see my childhood. I see my house on Bancroft, and younger versions of myself and my brother. I hear my Mom and Dad talking in the background, and I smell our home. I touch it and I feel a sense of homeness. All of this in a towel. This, of course, brings the dilemma: do I keep it, as I have for the last several years, not really using it but not wanting to let go of it, or do I let it go, realizing that the memories are in me, not in the towel?

I don't know which side will win, but for now I think I'll just leave it out where I can see it, because I sure like those memories. Not only do they recall my past, but they hold promise for a future, in a home of my own, with my husband, raising children who may someday look at a towel and see me.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Spent

I forgot to update after the last post...oops. Sorry about that. We made it to Fort Morgan late that Monday night (August 27,) unloaded all of Joe's stuff from my car and a rented U-Haul truck, then drove to Denver, getting to bed at 3 AM. Basically, Joe's engine is done. Kaput. Finito. And it will cost $1800-$3000 to get it fixed, depending on whether we go with a new or a used engine.

We've been making it with one car. Joe has been taking me to work, then has the car all day to go look for work. Then he picks me up and we run errands or go to my house or whatever it is we need to do. That's been working. Except that he can't stay at my house much longer.

We're working on solving the car and the housing problem, but "good" options seem to be in short supply. The original plan was that he would stay in Fort Morgan at his Mom's and be able to commute back and forth whenever needed. That plan died with the engine.

Work has been stressful lately, as we're completely short-handed. I'm exhausted and completely spent at the end of the day. As those of you with toddlers know, they wear you out - and imagine 10 of them at one time!

We're still incredibly happy and in love, and we're having fun, but all of this is taking its toll. If you think about it, please pray for us. For direction and wisdom about what to do next, and grace while doing it.

I love you all, and I thank God for you everyday.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Lost In This Moment

This is the weekend that Joe moves to Colorado!! Yay!!

One small problem: we're stuck in Nebraska.

Apparently, Joe's blazer decided to have a meltdown about 20 miles from Chadron. I was behind him, so we got back to town, found some help, and had the Blazer and trailer towed back to town. But this all went down late Saturday afternoon, and as we're in a small Nebraska town, so NOTHING was open, and nothing will be open again until tomorrow morning.

So, we're safe. We're reveling in the "this is life, even if it's not the best timing"-ness of it all. It's funny, because I talked to Betsy Friday night as I was driving in, and she expressed that this was one of those real-life things to do in which frustration can be prevalent. We haven't been frustrated with each other, but we sure have been frustrated at the circumstances. Oh, well! What are you going to do?

Just wanted to give you all an update. Hopefully, by tomorrow evening, we'll be in Fort Morgan!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Helpless

My Grandpa is sick. He's been sick for a while, but in the last six weeks he has gotten progressively worse. He has Parkinson's disease, and as they increase the meds to control the symptoms of the disease, the side effects of the medications bring their own dark contributions: namely, hallucinations. I learned two weeks ago of the worsening of his condition, but yesterday received news that there probably isn't going to be a reprieve from this worsening.

I'm lost. I'm tired of people dying. I know I've had several years where no one in my family has died. Thank God for that. The strange thing is that in the time without death, it seems that I've grown weaker, less accustomed to dealing with this reality of life. I've dealt with death since I was seven years old, and until the last seven years or so, have dealt with it on a fairly regular basis. I feel like I'm out of practice, ill-equipped to deal with it.

And I don't know how to deal with it with someone else. I don't really know how to let Joe help. It's a new thing, this sharing burdens so deeply with another.

I'm not angry at God, exactly, but frustrated, perhaps disappointed. I come back to the same questions about prayer I've had through the years. How can the Bible say "ask and it will be given unto you," and prayer not seem to work? I have such a hard time with this concept. I can accept that God sometimes answers in ways we don't understand, or that His answer is, in fact, "no." And I know that God answers prayer. I've seen that so much in my life in the last year. I don't doubt that He does. I just don't understand how it all works. It seems easier to accept "no" as an answer, or "not yet" when it's for a new car or something like that. But when it's for someone's salvation or someone's healing or that someone's suffering would be reduced -- how can He say no?

I know that all the answers I want are not readily available right now. And that I can also accept, as much as I sometimes hate it. I look forward to the day "Farther Along," when we'll understand.

"Farther Along" (Traditional, from Mud on the Tires by Brad Paisley)

Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

Chorus
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
And then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

Repeat Chorus

When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We'll understand it all by and by

Repeat Chorus
Yeah we'll understand it all by and by

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Wedding planning is fun!

2. 2 out of 3 times Betsy and I go to a concert, we will have severe car problems. Strangers will help us. We will make it home okay.

3. Big trucks are best for charging dead batteries.

4. Don't get in cars with intoxicated people. (This one I already knew, but intoxicated people tyring to help are still intoxicated.)

5. Anna loves "swimmin!"

6. Anna is wonderful and adorable. (Again, I already knew this one.)

7. I have a knack for inadvertently picking out the most expensive option.

8. Joe really is the most wonderful man.

9. Being in love rocks! (Knew this one, too.)

10. Betsy could make a living as a wedding coordinator, no doubt.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Weary

I think I need someone to sit me down and firmly, (as well as nicely,) tell me that I cannot do it all. It is impossible. And I certainly can't be good at anything if I'm trying to be good at everything.

If you wouldn't mind, please pray for a job here in Denver for Joe. We would like it to be as soon as possible, but we trust God's timing - He's so faithful. Thank you.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Keeping My Wits

I've always been pretty judgmental, I guess, about so-called "bridezillas." I do think there are people out there who are, in all actuality, "zillas" about everything: "restaurantzillas," "coffeezillas," "customerservicezillas," etc. By this, I mean people who get carried away with everything, and bent out of shape if the wind changes. But I now think that most "bridezillas" are simply everyday, normal girls who get caught up in the frenzy of wedding-hood. Not marriage, but the wedding. The wedding industry caters to this. It wants to make you that way, so you truly BELIEVE you NEED the playing cards with both of your names on them.

It's easy to lose your wits.

I'm doing my darndest to keep my wits about me.

Thankfully, I've got some help. Joe listens and brings me back to myself; my Mom, bless her heart, simultaneously asks questions that stress me out, then brings it all back to what's truly important; Linda and Betsy listen and offer advice and help. And many others have offered help. Thank God for all of these people who love and care about me. I don't know where I'd be without them.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

An Engaged Girl

Joe was here this weekend to visit, and it was fantastic! We did lots of fun "couple-y" things this weekend. I cooked dinner Friday night, Saturday we hung out, worked on wedding/reception plans, and went on a wonderful, get-dressed-up-and-go-out date, and today we had breakfast with a co-worker and her family, went to Barnes and Noble where I purchased wedding planning things and he purchased music things, (and I discovered, yet again, that he really is the patient man I think he is. He stayed with me the whole time I scoured wedding books, comparing and contrasting and fretting, and gave advice about which he thought was the most helpful - he really is tha most extraordinary man!) then came home and went swimming.

The most awful part of the end of the weekend is the leaving, And I've discovered that it is much easier to be the one that drives away then it is to be the one who is being driven away from. Three weeks. Not so bad. We've gone longer, and this stretch should go quickly because I have fun stuff going on during the weekends in-between. But the separation is still a beast.

Also, welcome to my new blog! I figured I'd better join the cool kids on Blogger!