Helpless

My Grandpa is sick. He's been sick for a while, but in the last six weeks he has gotten progressively worse. He has Parkinson's disease, and as they increase the meds to control the symptoms of the disease, the side effects of the medications bring their own dark contributions: namely, hallucinations. I learned two weeks ago of the worsening of his condition, but yesterday received news that there probably isn't going to be a reprieve from this worsening.

I'm lost. I'm tired of people dying. I know I've had several years where no one in my family has died. Thank God for that. The strange thing is that in the time without death, it seems that I've grown weaker, less accustomed to dealing with this reality of life. I've dealt with death since I was seven years old, and until the last seven years or so, have dealt with it on a fairly regular basis. I feel like I'm out of practice, ill-equipped to deal with it.

And I don't know how to deal with it with someone else. I don't really know how to let Joe help. It's a new thing, this sharing burdens so deeply with another.

I'm not angry at God, exactly, but frustrated, perhaps disappointed. I come back to the same questions about prayer I've had through the years. How can the Bible say "ask and it will be given unto you," and prayer not seem to work? I have such a hard time with this concept. I can accept that God sometimes answers in ways we don't understand, or that His answer is, in fact, "no." And I know that God answers prayer. I've seen that so much in my life in the last year. I don't doubt that He does. I just don't understand how it all works. It seems easier to accept "no" as an answer, or "not yet" when it's for a new car or something like that. But when it's for someone's salvation or someone's healing or that someone's suffering would be reduced -- how can He say no?

I know that all the answers I want are not readily available right now. And that I can also accept, as much as I sometimes hate it. I look forward to the day "Farther Along," when we'll understand.

"Farther Along" (Traditional, from Mud on the Tires by Brad Paisley)

Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

Chorus
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
And then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

Repeat Chorus

When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We'll understand it all by and by

Repeat Chorus
Yeah we'll understand it all by and by

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Wedding planning is fun!

2. 2 out of 3 times Betsy and I go to a concert, we will have severe car problems. Strangers will help us. We will make it home okay.

3. Big trucks are best for charging dead batteries.

4. Don't get in cars with intoxicated people. (This one I already knew, but intoxicated people tyring to help are still intoxicated.)

5. Anna loves "swimmin!"

6. Anna is wonderful and adorable. (Again, I already knew this one.)

7. I have a knack for inadvertently picking out the most expensive option.

8. Joe really is the most wonderful man.

9. Being in love rocks! (Knew this one, too.)

10. Betsy could make a living as a wedding coordinator, no doubt.

Weary

I think I need someone to sit me down and firmly, (as well as nicely,) tell me that I cannot do it all. It is impossible. And I certainly can't be good at anything if I'm trying to be good at everything.

If you wouldn't mind, please pray for a job here in Denver for Joe. We would like it to be as soon as possible, but we trust God's timing - He's so faithful. Thank you.

Keeping My Wits

I've always been pretty judgmental, I guess, about so-called "bridezillas." I do think there are people out there who are, in all actuality, "zillas" about everything: "restaurantzillas," "coffeezillas," "customerservicezillas," etc. By this, I mean people who get carried away with everything, and bent out of shape if the wind changes. But I now think that most "bridezillas" are simply everyday, normal girls who get caught up in the frenzy of wedding-hood. Not marriage, but the wedding. The wedding industry caters to this. It wants to make you that way, so you truly BELIEVE you NEED the playing cards with both of your names on them.

It's easy to lose your wits.

I'm doing my darndest to keep my wits about me.

Thankfully, I've got some help. Joe listens and brings me back to myself; my Mom, bless her heart, simultaneously asks questions that stress me out, then brings it all back to what's truly important; Linda and Betsy listen and offer advice and help. And many others have offered help. Thank God for all of these people who love and care about me. I don't know where I'd be without them.

An Engaged Girl

Joe was here this weekend to visit, and it was fantastic! We did lots of fun "couple-y" things this weekend. I cooked dinner Friday night, Saturday we hung out, worked on wedding/reception plans, and went on a wonderful, get-dressed-up-and-go-out date, and today we had breakfast with a co-worker and her family, went to Barnes and Noble where I purchased wedding planning things and he purchased music things, (and I discovered, yet again, that he really is the patient man I think he is. He stayed with me the whole time I scoured wedding books, comparing and contrasting and fretting, and gave advice about which he thought was the most helpful - he really is tha most extraordinary man!) then came home and went swimming.

The most awful part of the end of the weekend is the leaving, And I've discovered that it is much easier to be the one that drives away then it is to be the one who is being driven away from. Three weeks. Not so bad. We've gone longer, and this stretch should go quickly because I have fun stuff going on during the weekends in-between. But the separation is still a beast.

Also, welcome to my new blog! I figured I'd better join the cool kids on Blogger!